the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
