we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
