Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
