I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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