does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
