im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
