He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
