yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
