his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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