i love accidental penises.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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