Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
