you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
