So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
