Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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