Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
