I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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