i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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