nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
