i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
