You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
