I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
