Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
