this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
