just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
