i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
