I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm determined to sit on that face.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
