Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
