i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
