i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
