This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
