Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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