We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
