We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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