Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it hurts more in the daytime
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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