just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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