Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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