Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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