i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
