Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This girl is more easily done than said...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
