Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
did i walk over a car last night?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
