Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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