Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
