At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
