i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
