Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
