Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
