I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
