We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
