Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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