apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm both gender and math confused
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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