I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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